Dating After Divorce – The Stalker

Another funny dating story popped into my head..

A couple of years ago, tired of being single, I decided to try online dating again.  I tried it off and on again over the years but never finding that perfect “match” for me, I decided to try once again.  If you believe the commercials you see on television, it seems all of the couples are so happy and eventually get married.  Too bad they never asked me for my input!  I would’ve suggested that they make a commercial with real people from this area.  Hell I would’ve let them follow me around and they would’ve gotten a great commercial… for the insane!  Oh wait, they don’t want the truth, they want revenue dollars!

So here’s what happened… I start in the old fashioned way of meeting someone new by writing an email to her that was composed of several sentences whose topic was based off of similar interests, and they apparently streamed together to form an articulate paragraph.  Enough so that she was impressed that I “knew how to write.”  I asked what that meant and she replied that most men just write one or two words or ask to “hook up.”  (Note to self: Why didn’t I think of that!  Oh wait, I stand upright.  It seems I was thwarted by evolution once again.)  And my email rose to the top of one hundred (or so) emails she claims to have received.

Most attractive women on a dating web site do receive a lot of emails.  This fact comes from my own research when I’ve asked a prospective date how her search was going and the reply most often heard was, “it’s like a second job.  I receive over a hundred emails a day!”  My daily email intake paled in comparison.  I think the most I ever received in one day was two.  And the women who wrote them asked if I wanted to “hook up.”  Not being shallow, I decided to read their profiles and low and behold… we had nothing in common!  Okay, let’s call a spade a spade… I looked at their pictures and immediately declined.  I’m not that refined that I won’t judge a book by its cover at times. 😉

Back to the lecture at hand: After a few more emails we decided to exchange phone numbers.  Now this goes against my better judgment because I’ve had the unfortunate experience of “having a great phone relationship” only to have no interest in each other when we met in person.  I shared with her that I would not talk for long and only to set up plans to meet.  She agreed as she had similar experiences as well.  The date was set and we met near where she lives so she wouldn’t have to drive too far.  (Who says chivalry is dead?)  We lived just about an hour from each other and there was definitely more to do over her way than the one horse town I live in.  Hindsight being 20/20… I should’ve talked more with her on the phone.

We met and were both pleasantly surprised that we found each other attractive in person and not just the photos on our profile page.  (Which by the way if you ever try online dating, ALWAYS ask how recent the photos are!  Some women [I don’t know about the men], have photos that are over ten years old or older as their profile pictures!  Because, and I quote, “that’s how I still see myself, I haven’t changed a bit.”  Time for some new mirrors in that house!)  She did look like her photos and was actually prettier in person.  I know some people don’t photograph that well but that is no excuse to have really old photos and try to pass them off as you now.

The first date went well enough for us to agree on a second date.  This date would take place half way between where we each lived.  Now mind you, we never told each other our actual address so as not to worry about an uninvited visit.  I was traveling the week before and came home for the weekend before I had to take off again the following week.  We met up on that Saturday night for pizza and the date was a success.  She was well educated, attractive, fit, funny, and looking for a long term commitment.  She was happy that I didn’t drag my knuckles on the ground.  You gotta start somewhere!

The following week I was in Texas exhibiting at a trade show for my industry.  I told her that during the day I will be tied up with customers, and I would call her after the show was over for the day.  I put my cell phone in my briefcase and don’t bother with it until the end of the day.  To my surprise, when I looked at my phone she had sent me over forty, that’s right FORTY text messages!  The first one started out funny, but the rest got progressively worse in content.  By the time I got to the last one she had called me an asshole at least ten times!  I wasn’t sure if she was just trying to get me wound up as a joke so I gave her the benefit of the doubt and wrote to her and asked if she was serious and if she truly thought I was an asshole?  Her reply came back almost instantaneously: “Yes! You are an asshole! Go fuck yourself!”

Well I don’t have to be told twice (about certain things – lord knows I’ve been told things more often than twice and I still didn’t get it!), so I politely wrote back to her to “take care and have a good life” and that we weren’t right for each other.  (Yes, I am a gentleman though at times I wish I were not.)  She continued to text me all sorts of vulgar terms and positions (which quite frankly I don’t know how a human body could have contorted into the positions she suggested without serious damage to ones spine let alone their ego), and I just deleted them without a response.  Day two of the trade show… I received over fifty text messages from her!

I shared my experience with a woman from my industry and she nicknamed the CrAzY woman “bunny boiler.”  (An obvious reference to the character from the movie “Fatal Attraction” just incase some of you don’t know where it came from.)  The rest of the show my coworkers kept asking me if I heard from the bunny boiler and would laugh.  I had to laugh as well because I didn’t think that it would amount to anything serious.  I had written to her and asked her to stop or I would show the texts to the police and have her arrested for harrassment.  Things got eerily quiet for the next two days…

I returned late Friday night and the following day attended a highschool football game with my son.  As I was watching the game I received a text from her that read, “You have a nice home.  I dropped off a gift for you on your front porch.  I’m sorry for my behavior.”  I started to panic!  What the hell is she doing at my house?  I never told her where I lived!  What did she leave for me?  Is it dangerous?  I’m not a paranoid person to begin with but my hackles were standing tall!  I headed home after the game and dropped my son off at his mother’s house because I had no idea what to expect at my home.

On the front stoop was a bag emblazoned with my favorite football team the Patriots, and inside were a candle, a card, a flowering plant, a picture of the Patriots cheerleaders, and muffins.  I immediately called the police and they sent a trooper over to my house.  The trooper examined the contents of the bag and asked if I was dating one of the cheerleaders?  “If I were, I wouldn’t have called you,” I joked.  “I would’ve told all my friends!”  He laughed and asked me if I had sex with her?  “I think I’m good, but not that good! We ate pizza,” I replied.  He called the woman and asked her to stop.

A whole two days went by before she started up and texted me non-stop.  I called the police again and showed them my phone.  The trooper called her again and expressed to her in no uncertain terms that if she contacted me again in any way shape or form he would come to her place of employment and arrest her in front of all of her colleagues.  I shared the stories with my coworkers who rode me incessantly about having my own stalker.  “I never had a stalker.  Did any of you ever have a stalker?  You are my hero!  I want to live my life vicariously through you!”  And various other comments.  Though flattering on the surface, it wasn’t in reality.  I can look back now and laugh about it. Hopefully you did too. 🙂

It just goes to show you that you don’t know what kind of people are out there in the world and dating web sites should really have a CrAzY button!

Crazy button

Copyright (C) 2015 by Frank Cormier.  All rights reserved.

The First Date… After Divorce

I got divorced over eleven years ago and it hardly seems possible that that much time has gone by.  It got me to thinking about the first date I went on after my divorce was final for almost a year.  I tried “online dating” for the first time.  It was still in its infancy (or so it seemed to me) and some “bugs” needed to be worked out; such as having a “CrAzY” button, (which I understand is still NOT available!).  This would help the would be daters to quickly determine if one or both are more off center than their profiles would lead one to believe.

I think it is a good idea, but then again some might argue that it will take some of the “mystery” out of getting to know someone.  I am not one for mysteries!  Comedies are more my speed which is why I had to laugh at what happened on this “first date”…

I knew I would be moving to Connecticut after my divorce (which is where my ex-wife is from), because she was moving back with our two children.  I wanted to live close to my children so moved here too.  I figured I would try to meet a woman that lived closer to that area, which only made sense, and offered me an opportunity to meet new people.  The woman I met was from the Attleboro, MA area, which is nearby, and if it worked out, well then I was in a good place.

Her profile stated that she was athletic, great sense of humor, professional, etc., regular hobbies such as “walks on the beach,” reading, cooking, and such, and her pictures showed her to be attractive and fit.  I reached out and sent a short note introducing myself as she piqued my interest.  I felt pretty good about my note and that I would hear back from her.  (Note: After to talking with several other online daters, especially women, I don’t know how any woman can pick a guy to chat with!  Some of them receive over 100 emails a day from guys!  And their biggest complaint was that the guys never read what they had to say and only looked at their pictures.  I think I was surprised to learn that they didn’t know most men are that shallow!  We really are two different creatures… but I digress.)

Well my “new friend” did in fact respond to me and we emailed each other a few times before setting a “first date.”  The plan was for me to drive to her area and go out for drinks and maybe dancing if the date was going well.  It did go well!  We were both attracted to each other and talked and laughed the entire first part of the date.  Which led to us going dancing and then she invited me back to her place afterwards.  I remember feeling so happy that another woman found me attractive as divorce can make you feel ugly about yourself, (well it did for me anyway).  And we were going to have a sleepover on our first date! Woot! Woot!

She invited me in and asked me to sit on the couch while she went “upstairs to get something that she was excited to show me.”  My mind was spinning out of control!  What was she going to show me!?  I was soooooo excited!  I went from thinking she was a dominatrix, to maybe wearing a school girl outfit, to being a naughty librarian, to her coming down completely naked!  The mystery was soon solved and thus comes the comedy… She marched down the stairs still completely dressed, humming a wedding march, while holding a wedding dress against her person!  Yes a wedding dress!

I panicked and started to fumble my words which she took for me being “speechless” and totally into it.  She started to twirl in front of me and ask me if I “thought the dress was pretty and would she look great in it?”  I didn’t know what to say or do… So in response to her next question, “What do you think?”  I stood, grabbed my jacket and said, “I think I’m leaving!”  I couldn’t get out of her condo fast enough.  I tripped and teetered about before finding the front door and ran to my car.  She was yelling for me to wait and come back.  She wanted to wear it for me because then I wouldn’t be so scared!

There really should be a “CrAzY” button on dating sites…

Crazy button

Copyright (C) 2015 by Frank Cormier.  All rights reserved.

The Casino

“The Casino”

By: Frank Cormier


The fortune on the wheel teases me with

the ringing bells of a Siren’s song. Lights

are flashing all around enhance the sights.

The din entices me to join the kith

and take my place at this shiny monolith.

I succumb, dreaming of financial heights

where the sky is the limit! I’ll set aright

folklore that winning a jackpot is myth.


Plunging my last dollar into the fray,

I trustingly yank the bandit to life.

Wheels in motion, spinning to make hay,

my final shot is playing out! The strife

…is over. I slink away with an empty

promise. The Casino bares no pity.

Copyright (C) 2015 by Frank Cormier.  All rights reserved.